His body washed ashore only a few blocks from our home--in Manhattan's most scenic and tranquil spot--Inwood Hill Park, where an arm of the Hudson River meanders underneath the Henry Hudson Bridge and mixes with the brackish waters of the island's only true salt marsh. This is the place where my children play--where my son learned how to canoe and camped overnight in a tent with his fellow Junior Urban Park Rangers. It isn't the type of place where you'd expect anything as horrific as a bloated, gray body being fished out of the waters. I was on the telephone with a fellow PA member when they found him.
"Wait," she said. "They're pulling a body out of the water! She's seeing the whole thing."
Her window overlooked the river, and her five year-old had been watching with great interest as police and ranger boats responded to an anonymous call from a pair of hikers who had been watching the bobbing shape as it came closer to shore. At first, they reported, they had laughed that it looked like a body, but they quickly realized it was no laughing matter and was, in fact, exactly that.
It was an hour or so later when someone on my neighborhood list serve--animated by the mid-day gossip--reported that the body was thought to belong to the 18 year-old Rutgers college freshman who had apparently jumped from the George Washington Bridge a few days before after his roommates video-streamed footage of his homosexual dorm room encounter.
My heart--and mood--sank like a rock in the muddy brown waters of the Hudson.
"This poor child," I thought, imagining the shame and sorrow he must have felt before making what would be his final decision in his short life.
And then I imagined his parents--newly proud of their violin-playing freshman, as he graduated high school, spent his summer in anticipation and moved into his dorm, leaving an empty space full of hope, memories and great promise behind, in his room at home. And now this--obscene and senseless tragedy--obscene, not because of his sexual choice or exploration or whatever it was (no one will ever know now), but because the insensitive horseplay of two other teens--newly liberated and filled with the same hope and promise of a bright future, their parents, I'm sure, equally proud--had led to the destruction of so many lives.
I thought of my own son--nine years old and full of creativity and rare exuberance--who, as an early reader, had discovered a series of Fairy chapter books when his best friend--a girl six months older and one grade higher--began reading them one summer, just before he entered first grade. I remembered how insistent he was to bring one of these books with him on his first bus ride to school. The next day, he asked me if I could create a fake cover for the book so that he wouldn't be teased for reading it on the bus.
After months of enduring verbal and sometimes physical abuse from his fellow bus riders--most of them older than my son--he finally fought back, earning him a black eye and me a call from his vice-principal. It was the first I had heard of the trouble, and I was shocked and horrified to learn, when I sat my son down to get the whole story that day, that he had been picked on every day since his first, when he opened up his Fairy book to read.
We reported the bullying to the bus company, and the child who was at the bottom of it was first moved into a different seat, then eventually removed from the bus entirely, as he had simply turned his wrath on another bus rider in my son's place. Still, the dye had been cast, and my son continued to endure verbal and physical taunting for the next year--though we repeatedly informed the school about it. Eventually, we moved to another city, and the taunting stopped. But I imagined, when I heard about this tragedy, how a sensitive soul might internalize the pain of being teased, how being "different" might come to be equated in such a mind with being "bad," and how even one so young, having been tormented by his classmates long enough, might feel unable to endure any more.
Repentance, Reflection & Mourning
In the wake of the tragedy, there seemed to be an outpouring of sympathy, calls for tolerance and efforts to heal the pain of other, similar "outsiders" who might have been teased and abused relentlessly. This was happening not just in New York and New Jersey, but all over the country, and entire Web sites were set up to minister to gay and lesbian teens, victims of school yard bullying and those who face teasing from their peers. Rock stars, movie actors, successful entrepreneurs and scientist-types who had faced a lifetime of teasing for their "differentness" went on the record in video streams and in print to tell kids that "it gets better" with age--that if they could just hang in there and get through these tough years, life promised to be kinder, success was possible and social stigma could be a thing of the past. What a wonderful thing for kids to hear. If only Tyler Clementi could have heard this message--being offered now in his name, as a healing balm and a lifeline to the countless souls who were with him in spirit that night when he leaped into the water.
What Can You Do?
If you suspect your child is being bullied, don't wait until the situation escalates to do something. Whether the abuse is verbal or physical, or even if your child is simply being teased and taunted on a regular basis, taking action is imperative.
- Ask your child to tell you what is going on--from the smallest, to the most embarrassing or horrific details. Don't minimize anything she has to say. Instead, offer her a safe, non-judgmental space where she can feel free to share and to vent. Be supportive and understanding of her feelings, and let her know she can come to you any time to talk about her troubles.
- Do NOT encourage your child to "fight back." This will only put him in danger, escalate the animosity and potentially get him into trouble.
- Contact your child's school to let them know that she is being bullied. Speak first to the person who is most likely in a position to DO something about the problem, but if you do not get a satisfactory response, move up the chain of command until someone addresses the situation.
- Do not contact the parents of the bully or the bully. This could only increase the tension between the bully and your child and may backfire if the bully's parents become defensive or vengeful on their child's behalf.
- Speak to your child a few times a week to find out if the bullying has ceased. If not, contact the school again, and let them know that you expect the matter to be handled in an appropriate manner, or you will have to seek a higher authority to address the problem.
- Arm your child with information, skills and the confidence he needs to become bully-resistant. Enroll him in extra-curricular activities where he can develop his talents, social connections and mentor relationships.
- Encourage your child to seek out non-bullying students at school and new friends outside of school--people who are friendly to him and behave non-judgmentally.
- Ask your child's doctor to recommend a therapist so that he will have an impartial, supportive adult to speak with about his troubles.
- Finally--and this goes without saying, but we'll say it anyway--be sure to let your child know how much you love her and that she has a warm, safe, accepting environment to come home to each day.
If your Child bullies
None of us want to think that our own child may be taking part in classroom teasing or bullying, but every child belongs to someone, so chances are, your child has either bullied, teased or laughed at another student when they were being teased by someone else. It's important for parents to remember their own childhood experiences and how peer pressure, a desire to fit in at all costs and the need a child feels not to stand out from the crowd can make even the nicest kids participate in teasing.
- If you suspect your child of taking part in this "pack mentality" and bullying or teasing another child, speak to him about it.
- Ask your child why he felt it necessary to bully or tease, and listen patiently while he shares his feelings with you.
- Tell your child that bullying and teasing is hurtful, even when it is done in jest.
- Ask your child to remember a time when she felt teased or bullied and to recall how she felt about it.
- Share your own experience of being bullied and how it made you feel.
- If your child is angry about something, try to find out what it is. You may need to hire a counselor to work with your child on his anger issues.
- Teach your child about tolerance. Let her know that it is NEVER okay to ridicule someone because they are different racially, sexually, culturally or in any way. No matter what your family believes about the way life should be lived, it is never okay to find fault with someone else's lifestyle choices. Tell your child that people in this country are free to be who they are--in spite of what anyone thinks.
- If your home is filled with animosity, sarcasm, teasing and ridicule, find a family therapist to help your family learn new and more effective ways to communicate with one another. Sometimes old habits are hard to break, but when anger at home begins to affect your child's peer relationships, it's time for the family to change its unhealthy patterns.
- Find a moral compass for your child--a role model, religion, philosophy, practice or example by which they might gauge their actions. It helps if it is something or someone your child can feel strongly about. When in doubt, suggest that your child ask himself, "What would _____ say about this behavior? What would ______ do in this situation?"
- Make it clear that, though you love your child unconditionally, bullying and teasing behaviors will not be tolerated. Impose strict consequences should your child continue to bully, and follow through with any punishment discussed.
